whoa. deep.
i don't even know who i'm particularly talking to. i feel a little lost.

have i told you lately.....how long it has been since i last wrote. An Age. I apologise to those people who actually read my blog - that shouldn't take a while. It isn't as if i'm dan brown here.

have i told you lately... that uni is going ok. No better, no worse. Everything is strolling along nicely. Lectures and seminars are interesting and i've met some cool people. But...something just hasn't 'clicked' yet, if that makes sense?

have i told you lately...that i love you? well, this is a conundrum. having been single for an Age, shouldn't it be great that somebody loves me? well, yeah, except my heart tells me that i can't return that love. yet when a guy walks into my lecture and i can't think or make sense of anything by just a look, is that a crush? i don't think so. i believe i've just been bowled over by him.
so for the guy that i can't love back then i am so sorry and for the guy who i could like, well ignore me, cos i know you are going to anyway. why would you bother with me, hello, there are so many prettier, thinner, cleverer girls out there than me.ok confession over.

have i told you lately...that i miss you? it has been two years since i've properly spoken to Ben,how those things have changed in two years.

have i told you lately...that i always feel invisible.
have i told you lately...i'm losing hope.
have i told you lately...i'm alone.

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1.Apple Mac - internet, this blog, email, MSN, myspace, TV, of course.
2.My mobile phone - yes, I am that sad, keeping in contact obviously.
3.Bank card - ha, I'm a student living on an overdraft.
4.GHDs - if my hair isn't straight I'm not leaving the house.
5.Hairbrush - pretty clear why.
6.Toothpaste - mmmm minty fresh.
7.Toothbrush - mmmm minty fresh.
8.Razor - for those days when a skirt is my choice of attire.
9.Deodorant - who wouldn't have this in their list?
10.SPF50 - I have really sensitive skin.
11.My foundation -  if I haven't got my war paint on I'm not leaving the house.
12.Mascara - who doesn't need this? Well, except for guys.
13.Body Shop Vitamin E moisturizer - soft skin is a must.
14.Aussie Shampoo - wonder stuff.
15.Lucas' Papaw Ointment - for those horrible dry skin days.
16.Rimmel's 60 second nail polish - scarlet red, of course.
17.Compact mirror - to ensure I look ok. ha.
18.My charm bracelet - it was my Mother's, handed down to me.
19.My pearls - darling.
20.My lucky ring - had it since I was like eleven.
21.Headphones - useless without iPod and vice-versa.
22.iPod - to listen on the move. Especially on the train as I usually end up sitting next to some nutter.
23.My purple animal print scarf - for those rock chic looks.
24.My salmon pink scarf - for those vintage days.
25.My Wayfarers - for when the sun does decide to shine in Britain.
26.My purse - to keep my money, ha, if i ever have any.
27.My camera - my hobby, capturing my life, my surroundings in snippets.
28.My camera bag - pretty self explanatory.
29.My diary - my organizational skills, non existent.
30.My printer - to print out my photos,research and stuff.
31.My sketch book - once, again, couldn't live without.
32.My graphic pen - makes my writing look neat.
33.My Staedtler Pencil - 2H, oh yeah.
34.Rebel: The Life and Legend of James Dean by Donald Spoto - documenting a legend.
35.Persuasion by Jane Austen - my favourite Austen work, everyone loves a happy ending, right?
36.To Kill a Mocking Bird by Harper Lee - for telling it how it is.
37.The Bible.
38.The Essential Bruce Springsteen and his E-Street Band CD - can't live without the Boss.
39.The Sound of The Jam CD - just beat U2's the Joshua Tree.
40.The Killers 'Hot Fuss' - a true gem, I couldn't ever live without hearing this.
41.My wardrobe - to keep my silly amount of clothes, shoes and bags in.
42.My desk - I need to be able to work somewhere.
43.My comfy chair - the hours I have spent in my chair working in my sketch book.
44.My bed - I love to sleep.
45.Suitcase - for all my traveling needs.
46.Knife - lets kick off the kitchen stuff!
47.Fork - in case Simon Pegg re-discovers his special talent (Spaced)
48.Spoon - in case i bump into Uri Geller.
49.Ladle - every kitchen needs one.
50.Masher - I do like a bit of mash.
51.Plate - no explanation needed.
52.Dish - gonna make eating soup a whole lot easier.
53.My favourite mug from Tate Modern - drinking hot chocolate. yum.
54.Electric whisk - so the making of pancake mix is quicker, ha.
55.Saucepan - for all your cooking needs.
56.Frying pan - pancakes!
57.Oven plate - what will my food sit on?
58.Fridge - everyone's gotta eat.
59.Oven - everyone's gotta cook.
60.Toaster.
61.Washing machine.
62.Iron - I hate ironing. Soooo boring.
63.Water bottle - countless uses.
64.My snowboard - for when the car just isn't that exciting.
65.My car - I hate the bus.
66.My Cheap Monday's - kicking off my clothes! They're jeans by the way.
67.My skinny blue jeans - you gotta have more than one pair, ha.
68.My skinny black jeans - black is slimming, don't you know.
69.My stone wash denim skirt - for those warmer days.
70.My blue tulip skirt.
71.My red patent gold chained bag.
72.My grey satchel.
73.My 'Goonies Never Say Die' t-shirt - good enough motto for me,ha.
74.My James Dean t-shirt - no need to give a reason here.
75.My musical note print t-shirt - to match my tattoo.
76.My blue and white stripe nautical t-shirt - ahoy!
77.My granddad stripy shirt - vintage.
78.My blue checked shirt - festival wear.
79.My cream puffy blouse - for smart days.
80.My blue woolly cardigan - got it for like £3 in the sale. Sooooo warm.
81.My blue long cardigan.
82.My light green cardigan.
83.My batwing H&M grey jumper - stylish.
84.My navy blue Boyfriend blazer - shoulder pads!
85.My leather jacket - for all occasions.
86.My Topshop parka - festival season essential.
87.My pyjamas - cosy.
88.My underwear - this will obviously be plural items but I will just put it under one for the list.
89.Chanel-like black and white flats - gotta be smart.
90.Brown boots - not only needed for the weather but style trend too.
91.Black shoes - cos they go with everything.
92.My white plimsolls - comfy.
93.My Office gladiator sandals - for those tribal styles.
94.My pink Converse - everyone has gotta own a pair of Converse.
95.Rebel Without A Cause DVD - for Nicholas Ray and James Dean telling it how it is.
96.The Complete Adventures of Tintin DVD - childhood favourite.
97.Blade Runner DVD - 'I have seen things you people wouldn't believe....'
98.Spaced DVD - 'Oh my God! I've got some f***ing Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket!'
99.On the Waterfront DVD - in my opinion, one of the best films ever made. From my favourite director Elia Kazan.
100.My fortune teller fish - when I am at those crossroads in life, ha.

when Buddhists are only really allowed eight items aren't a hundred just being greedy? Hmm.....

What would be in your 100 list? Anything strange to add? Anything you think I've missed?.....
xoxo

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Most notable for 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' 'The Breakfast Club' and 'Pretty In Pink' John Hughes was an expert in scouting out new talent and turning them into stars. Where would Emilio Estevez, Molly Ringwald, Matthew Broderick and Anthony Michael Hall be now without the tutelage of Hughes?  His respect for the younger generation shone through in his films, standing out from others, for actually listening to what teenagers had to say, what they were feeling, what they were going through, showing the world what life as a teen was really like.

His films were a rollercoaster of laughs, tears and song. Many a day has gone by when I find myself singing under my breath 'don't you forget about me...' I assure you as an avid film fan, Hughes will never be forgotten.

As a screenwriter, Hughes, as well as under his pseudonym, Edmond Dantes, penned the brilliant Home Alone as well as Beethoven and 101 Dalmations and much more.  He knew how to please the audience, focusing on the thrills of nostalgia and family values, reminding us that home is truly where the heart is.

From the early nineties Hughes became almost a recluse, relocating to Illinois and becoming a farmer. Under his pseudonym he did carry on writing screenplays up until a couple of years ago.

The depiction of 1980s America has never been more enthralling than in Hughes's work - when I was in my teens I sat watching his films shouting out 'thank you! finally somebody else is going through what I am going through!' Somebody actually was there to understand.

I often see teen flicks at the cinema or on the television and I sigh a little in despair. If only John Hughes could have breathed a little flair into those films, I think - if only he could be that saviour to the teen movie genre once again. I strongly believe that Hughes wasn't interested in whether his films grossed a lot or not, unlike most films in today's society - to him I think it was all about the moment, living in the 80s as a struggling teen, with no voice, no figure to stand up for you.

Thanks to Hughes we had a soundtrack to a generation. Rest in peace, yet you will always live forever to me.

"I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it."

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Well, I think I may have hung around long enough to see what is happening in regards to my life, perhaps even enjoy getting used to it. How fleeting the last couple of months have been. I can definitely profess that I have not discovered the secret of life, but I am thankful for being here.
Schulz, even being a cartoonist, seemed to be wise to the struggles we face, along with the joys we encounter. This man was no politician, no orator, no religious icon (even though he did touch upon some religious themes in his work), but he tapped into the simplistics of looking on the bright side of life.

So, beings as I haven't wrote in some time I better do an update.Work, going fine as always, I am thankful to have a job in a country where a job is lost virtually every minute if you believe the grim statistics. I work hard, have a laugh with my colleagues and try my best.
Uni, still on hold till September I guess. I begin my new course, hoping to start fresh. It is my chance to get my head sorted. Begin again. I am thankful for that chance.

Friends, still trying to catch up with everyone when I've got time. Some of my mates have got swine flu, which I'm gutted about but they will get better. I'm thankful for having shoulders to lean on and people to talk to.
Home, soon to be a different address! How strange it is to have lived away from home, to then return. I feel that I have lived two lives - before my mom passed away and after. Talking of my mom, I'm still really not ok, but as Schulz said 'I have a new philosophy. I am only going to dread one day at a time.' I take each day as it comes. I visit the cemetery often, think of my mother always and trudge on. What else can anyone do, but carry on? I am thankful that I had twenty years with my mom, I am thankful that home is exactly where the heart is, to use that old cliche, and that things seem to be going to plan.

Travel, ha the only place I'm going is my new accommodation for uni. It's cool. I like being independent, stubbornly so, but living away is a always a new adventure. Big thank you to my mate Gavyn for traipsing around Bath with me looking at property. Was a fun day out.
Films, yup still watching loads. I went to the cinema the other night to see Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. Sooooooo historically inaccurate, but hilarious all the same. I underestimated Simon Pegg's part in the movie pre-viewing, so was pleasantly surprised he actually had quite a key role in the film. His clever wit shone through and forced me to remember those golden days of Spaced. I don't usually like Disney/Pixar kids cartoon films like this, but it was good all the same. I do believe they should stop now though. Please.
Love, ha that's a joke. Still walking around secretly looking for that Prince. However, I don't think I am in any rush. Would be nice to be seeing someone now but I don't think I am in that place right now, my head is still a little messed.
Money, yup still penniless.

And that is my life so far. Not that interesting thinking about  it. But as I have said before, I am beginning to enjoy the prospect of the future.

I leave you with my favorite quote my Schulz "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."

*Shulz writing through the medium of Peanuts and Charlie Brown by the way. Ha.

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So what would I put in Room 101? Well, Paul Daniels firstly. Ha.
It is probably a question that has been asked many times. Honestly it takes some serious thought. Can I put in RnB/Rap music videos, because they offend me? Preaching that money, girls, guns, glamour means a successful way of life, meaning that every young person should aspire to be like them. Yuck. Secondly, can I put moths in? They really freak me out - like, the way they flutter and stuff. Eww....
Next, it would have to be stupid adverts that are shown in every single commercial break, the Compare the Market meerkat springs to mind, so that would defnately go in. Wow, how easy is it to think of annoying things when you're on a roll? Finally, I would put in the White Van Man, and the reasons are obvious why they all should go in.

What else - hmmm.......oooo the impending robots. I nearly forgot about that. I'm going to see Transformers 2 on Monday night. That's entertainment. However, I do read and listen to critics reviews and I do have to admit that I'm not much of a fan of Michael Bay. On Radio 5Live's Edinburgh Film Festival radio show Mark Kermode spent a good five to seven minutes ripping it apart. Yet, I believe at the end of Monday night I will totally agree with him. I liked the first film, it wasn't a masterpiece, far from it, but it was entertainment. However, Mark Kermode explains that Bay is like some pornographic, money making machine - objectifying women, not even calling Megan Fox a character in this film at all - just something that draws in a wider audience, reeling in money with placing a skantily clad woman next to a machine. Reaching out to those people seeking cheap thrills. Kermode also stated the film was insanely long - great, I guess I will still be digesting it Tuesday morning. But one thing that interested me the most about the review was its compelete honesty, he wasn't ripping apart the idea of robots beating each other into oblivion, no indeed, but the whole way the films have been made - it isn't about the robots at all. It is clearly about leering over the people placed on screen. The franchise was born and continues to thrive, I'm sure I will enjoy the film - but perhaps will not admire it, not in the same way audiences admire and appreciate the Spaghetti Westerns, the Godfather trilogy or early Star Wars. If you've seen it let me know what you think.....

Finally it is six days......six days and then the Boss arrives. Glastonbury will be alive purely due to Bruce Springsteen and his E-Street Band. And I can't wait. It's going to be amazing. Springsteen turns 60 this year and I see more energy and effort in his performances than any twenty-something wanabee that is splashed over our T4 screens. If I could wish one person to live forever, it would be him - why? Because he is trying so darn hard to be immortal. And he is so nearly there...

So, in six days Springsteen will be that beacon of light in the darkness on the edge of town. And I'm there.

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Is silence really golden? I spend most of my time at work talking - to customers, to colleagues, to the radio, to myself but by the end of the day I'm shattered - not physically, but mentally tired of talking. So, well, I basically shut up when I get home. I talk to my Dad, Brother and my dog politely - you know chit chat, but I don't strike any meaningful, in-depth conversations up with them. I am basically mute.

But is that bad? Should I be making more of an effort?

If I go out with friends after work, I'm the listener. I talk, don't get me wrong, I speak about my day, work, family, etc - but everyone knows me as a good listener. And that is where I agree - I love listening, I am happy to listen to anyone's problems, worries, happy news, family life, work, etc.

When watching The Gold Rush and the Kid today on my day off, I noticed that I didn't need to hear dialogue. Yes, we have the soundtrack that keeps the pace and narrative of the film, but I never realised before that dialogue didn't seem that important to me. Look at another favourite of mine - Sergio Leone's Once Upon A Time in the West - one of the top ten westerns of all time - uses hardly any dialogue and, in the first ten minutes it is basically non-existent. The use of sound effects adds all the tension needed.

So - does not talking, just purely facial expressions and actions, etc, speak volumes? Like when your partner takes you by the hand for no reason, a hug, a glance, a cheeky smile - no words needed.

Is it appreciation of the fact that some people don't need to say anything at all to get their message across? When a man looks at his wife across the dinner table in a restaurant, a girl taking a boy's hand when she is scared, a father patting his son on the back for that promotion, because speaking would only result in tears.

However - there are three words that everybody wants to hear spoken aloud - even shouted from the rooftops - 'I Love You'

I don't know, when it comes to film, it seems that sound is essential, but perhaps in real life it just isn't that way.

Do you have a certain 'look' that speaks volumes?  A certain smile? A nervous tic? Are you the silent type or are you at your happiest when you are chatting away?

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With the country the way it is, can any of us truly say that we are lucky? Like, everything seems to go our way, everyday?
Politicians' expenses scandal, job losses, gangs, health scares, money worries, teenage pregnancies, immigration problems, the banking crisis and terrorism - not exactly an easy life for the everyday person. Oh, and lets not forget the Jordan and Peter saga, yeah, cos that's really gonna change the world. Oh dear.....

Four leaf clovers, wishbones, horseshoes and a rabbit's foot - do we really consider these lucky? Do people live by superstition - does it control their way of life? Avoiding black cats, walking under ladders, fearing the number 13 - common talking points - but are they the carriers of bad luck?

Are you one of those people that just never seem to catch a break - a string of bad luck that seems never ending and relentless?
I sometimes find myself contemplating 'what if?' when it comes to events throughout my day - what if I hadn't turned left instead of right? what if I had sat in a different chair in Starbucks? What if I had given that guy my number in that bar last week? Then again, it seems pointless to think about the past, because, well, it's not as if I can miraculously turn back time is it.

What about a truly Bad Day? I capitalise it like it is some anniversary or national event - but it is an event. Everyone has had one of those days. I remember when I was younger I had such a day - I got to about nine o'clock in the evening and I just burst out in anger, things were just not going right and I couldn't take it anymore. It played out like some slapstick comedy of horrendous events, mistakes, problems and disasters. However simple they seemed whenever you have a whole day of it you can't take it anymore.

So are you born lucky? To a certain extent I believe you can make your own luck, but is there some outsider watching over you, deciding your fate, or just pointing you in the right direction? Do you get dealt a card when your are born - good or bad, easy life or hard? How good is it to have a completely lucky day? Is it even possible to have such a thing?

Answers on a postcard people xoxo

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So what has been your closest-to-film/stageplay-moment? Your fifteen minutes? For me, it was standing up to a bully and coming out the other side stronger.

I wait in anticipation for how the epic reality plays out. I hope your fifteen minutes is all you hoped for.
xoxo.

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Storyline - Lenny (Tom Wilkinson) is the big cheese in the London underworld. He controls all goings on, in this case, it is real estate. Serving as his right-hand man (and the film's narrator), is Archie, played by Mark Strong. Lenny's big dealings and connections become clear when he meets up with a wealthy Russian, who needs Lenny to help him secure a major deal where planning permission is needed. Obviously, as with every gangster film, money is what gets people talking and co-operating. In this case Lenny and his gang are good for seven million euros from Omovich, the Russian. No messing about here then. As a show of faith, or a test, perhaps, Omovich gives Lenny his lucky painting. I thought this a little odd, to begin with, but I trusted Ritchie to come through with some kind of genius plot. In steps Thandie Newton, as the Accountant. Omovich asks her to transfer the money to Lenny, in cash (how gangsters always work, I believe). Now, Stella (Thandie) may seem all sweetness and like but appears to be bored of her life, branching out with a band of thieves - The Wild Bunch. As I was watching this, being quickly introduced to Mumbles, One-Two, Handsome Bob, Cookie (Idris Elba, Gerard Butler, Tom Hardy and Matt King) and the rest I could only assume that this was Ritchie fitting in with the stereotype of the hard man - never revealing their true identity, always using a nickname and generally making the characters unforgettable. I for one, did not forget Handsome Bob easily, especially when his revelation about his sexuality lead to a reel of comedy jokes, actions and one-liners. (Mumbles: "If I could be half the human being Bob is at the cost of being a poof, I'd have to think about it. Not for very long, but I'd have to pause.") The fact that this gaggle had openly accepted Bob was very 21st century. Along with the fact that he uses it to help the Wild Bunch on their quest brings a smile. Ritchie has all his bases covered it seems.

Anyways, Stella instructs the Wild Bunch to intercept the money before it reaches its destination for her 20 per cent of the cut. It goes from bad to worse for both Lenny and his Russian counterpart when the lucky painting is stolen. However, there is only one suspect to consider - Lenny's stepson Johnny Quid, a drug-addicted, brain-addled rock star who is pretending to be dead. Why of course! I hear you cry. Confused yet? This all leads to a comedy of errors, some may say - Johnny's managers trying to track him down in the fear that Lenny's gang may shut their club down, Archie running here and there trying to find the said painting (which we never see by the way, just the back of the frame) and Omovich calls in his seemingly indestructable henchman to transport another seven million to Lenny, attempt number two by the Wild Bunch doesn't go as smoothly. I won't ruin it - but I will say I haven't laughed so hard for quite some time. The sheer determination portrayed by Ritchie of both parties is extraordinary.

The underlying, yet the most important strand of the narrative is that there is someone in the ranks ratting people out - naming names to avoid jail-time and to gain favours in and around town. The example here is that Handsome Bob is facing a lengthy five year stretch in jail - something that is depressing him enormously through the first half of the film. When Bob reveals he doesn't want the pre-arranged escort girls, drugs and drink of his last night and that all he wants is One-Two I seriously wondered how far Ritchie's grasp on real-life situations was - however, as I have mentioned before, it leads to some seriously funny acting and witty banter. We do also live in a very modern age - surely our society isn't that stone age to realise that not all gangsters are straight, over 6ft with slicked back hair and a designer suit - being gay doesn't mean you can't beat a man to a pulp. Through this underlying story of the rat, the audience gain an insight into the background of some of the characters - the fact that most of them have served lengthy jail terms due to said rat makes you realise the vicious circle these people are living in.

After One-Two delivers the second batch of money to Stella, thoroughly battered and bruised from his encounter with Omovich's henchmen he returns to his flat to find the infamous painting everyone is on the hunt for (stolen from Johnny by fellow junkies who in turn sell it to Cookie who then gives it to One-Two to use to impress Stella - not aiding the confusion here am I?). Then comes the second round with the Russians, who for some reason delight in the fact they tie One-Two to the bed, each strip down to their cringingly tight underwear and lay out their swords and knives, which they are obviously going to torture One-Two with, before a slow death.

Thank the Lord for Archie!

Through contacts Archie realises it is The Wild Bunch who have been stealing the money and goes round to One-Two's to collect him to appear infront of Lenny, which will also surely lead to a slow death. (Crayfish is Archie's particular mode of torture this month). Finding two skantily clad Russians and the man tied to the bed the henchmen are finally killed and One-Two is tied up and taken with Archie and the gang. Mumbles, Handsome Bob, Johnny and his managers go along for the ride too. Ritchie's ability to ensure all characters meet at the end is clever, avoiding all the 'what happened to them then?" etc.

Now all together, Handsome Bob can finally reveal the name (albeit a pseudonym) and details of the rat who is to blame for all the time they have seen. And it isn't only Bob that knows it - Johnny isn't so clueless as he may seem.

I have to say that Johnny's drug fuelled nonsense that he so often speaks makes you have to constantly remind yourself that this man isn't a junkie, just playing a man who is a junkie. But we have all seen people like him though - his portrayal is surprisingly accurate. His relationship with his step-father is interesting - seemingly always a burden to Lenny you can almost forgive Johnny for turning out the way he did. Johnny's comedy is more obviously madness, especially when he finally meets up with his father - who responds by shooting him in the stomach, going on to retort that he can't even shoot him in the right place to shut him up. (Johnny: "You're only six feet away.") To shut him up is the exact reason Lenny has shot Johnny - as Johnny is also about to reveal the snitch. Only one look by Archie at the name and the secret is out - he has seen the name Sidney Shaw for the many past years, on the end of the pen of his boss. Archie furious, turns to the crayfish for punishment. Everyone gets out alive, apart from Sidney Shaw of course. All's well that ends well. Until the next time, of course. Ritchie plans to make another, and another.

And the painting? Well, Johnny gets it back, but as Archie says 'it did cos a Russian an arm and a leg.'

This film brought to life the wittiest banter, one-liners and jokes I have heard in a long time, along with a completely believable cast. A blast from start to end. Not exactly original, but outstanding none the less.

A piece on the newly revealed, and highly anticipated, trailer for Sherlock Holmes - I assure you, it does not disappoint.
CONTAINS SPOILERS.
In my younger years all I remember of Holmes was Jeremy Brett, alongside David Burke as his sidekick Watson - an epic television series that I thought could never possibly be beaten - it was respectful of Conan Doyle's hero and brilliantly made. However, it does appear that Guy Ritchie may have thrust Sherlock Holmes into the eye of the 21st Century viewer. Mention Sherlock Holmes to a 16 year old and they would probably reply 'Who?' or just cringe at the thought of actually finding the character interesting or enthralling. Ritchie will reach out to the cynics, the skeptics and the unbelievers.

The trailer begins with Mark Strong, working on his third film with Ritchie, playing Lord Blackwood, who, we hear has apparently risen from the dead. Blackwood versus Holmes it is then.
I didn't pay much attention to Downey Jr's accent, as I was too busy marvelling the fact that he had just jumped through a window of the Houses of Parliament into the Thames. However, his somewhat scruffy, unkept appearance comes across as refreshing, as many peoples' views on Holmes are of a very smart fellow with a pipe. Well, the pipe is there, at least.
The comedy is obvious, not exactly in the same style as RocknRolla but still inkeeping with Ritchie's genius way of storytelling. Jude Law, as Watson, seems solid and an evident relationship with Downey Jr is convincing and intriguing. A duo for the future perhaps?
For what seems like a two minute fleeting trailer, Ritchie has managed to include most forms of torture or killing - from electric shocks, to hammers, pistols, swords, through to even fighting with truncheons and not forgetting bare knuckle fighting.      Explosions, gun fights, girls - it is Guy Ritchie playing to his strengths. Even with a very impressive Victorian setting it seems more up-to-date than ever.
The ending of the trailer is also a stroke of genius - Downey Jr sitting handcuffed naked, I may add, on a bed? It could only leave us wanting more surely? It did me.

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Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid was one of those stand out films for me. From previous successes in The Hustler, Hud and Cool Hand Luke, Newman began the first of two films directed by George Ray Hill.
I thought, first and foremost, this was a western like no other - I have never seen and doubt will ever see, anything like it. The writing was witty and humourous, but made the most of the obvious friendship and chemistry between Redford and Newman. It feels like a photo-montage of skits and ideas one after the other. Before I watched this film I knew that Conrad Hall had worked on the picture - a unique and awe inspiring cinematographer that made everything flow and seem so simple. Like a dream.

Butch Cassiy and the Sundance Kid begins with that music - stuttered like the imagery and opening credits. The first shot of Newman made me gasp, I'm sure I'm not the only one who did - once you've got past the beauty, the masculinity you begin to do what an audience should do when watching a film - question.
What is he looking at? Is someone watching him? Where is the camera? What is he looking for? Then we see it.......the bank. And so the story begins.

It is the continuation of genius sound effects and structure that make the footage flow so brilliantly - Hill making something so simple as the bangs, thumps and clouts of the windows and doors closing in the bank that form a musical tune. Newman is clearly scoping out the bank.

Switch to the card table. The other man in this duo is introduced. A vision in the form of Robert Redford. We see who the men are talking to, but we don't see who is speaking. The complete focus is on Redford. And why not? It is only him we are really interested in. We even get an idea of his character - staring at the gun, unblinking, confident. Newman acts like his conscience, talking over his shoulder, first one side then the other. It is only when those emortal words 'Sundance Kid' are mentioned do we see the reaction of the man sitting opposite - obviously Sundance's reputation precedes him.
It is Hill and Hall's wide angle, well lit shots give the wider picture. We not only see peoples' reactions and body language but their surroundings and atmosphere. The constant use of tracking shots keep the action moving, but faces are the key to this film - Redford and Newman give just as much away when they don't speak as when they do.

However, in parts, Newman's chiseled face shows no true emotion. I hate to use the old saying 'the eyes are the windows to the soul' but that never resonated more than in this film - Newman could portray a thousand feelings without ever uttering a word.

Like most people who watched this film, the bicycle scene was a major highlight. Like a goofy, comedy circus act it was loveable and adorable. The shutter like shots, like flickers of imagery, when Newman is on the bike with Sundance's girl is almost like a dream - almost like we are spying in on them, peeking from behind a metaphorical curtain.

Oh, and check the Charlie Chaplin-esque hat!

When they ride on their horses there is the camera angle looking up at them - we, the audience, are the inferior to them - they are the stand out crowd. The people to be. Their horse are like thunder, pushing the pace, building up the climax.  I loved the fact that they became icons before my eyes in under a hour. I wanted to be there, part of their gang - even just a witness to their capers.

The use of contrasting sound builds tension, but at the same time keeps the story on the level - never veering from reality. For instance, when the near mutiny occurs within the camp near the beginning, we have such a serious situation, yet the pleasant singing of the birds seems to keep everything calm. The scene actually turns out to be quite humorous, with Newman's 'jack the lad' antics making us laugh out loud. The repartee is inspired - it is almost like watching a stand up show.
The dialogue, which not only is inventive and amusing, gives the impression that it is very 'what has to be said' instead of 'what you want to say'. Everything spoken word seems necessary instead of just filling time.

The constant chasing across borders, plains, towns, through deserts and rivers never tires. I was dying to see a close up of the authorities chasing them, to see their faces, to see their persistant determination etched on their skin - but Hill forces us to be exactly in the same position as Butch and Sundance, not daring to get close enough.

One of the truest 'buddy movies' in Hollywood history, the tale weaves through the capers of the real-life outlaws that still have people talking today. The writing was as slick as the acting and the perfect pacing leads us steadily along a life story. Newman was desperate to be the 'everyday man' on screen - to a certain extent he was successful, but his stardom set him apart from the rest - and that will never change. Redford, on the other hand, was the immortal soul, trying to be that forever young cowboy he played on screen.

What made me sit up in surprise was that poignant moment when Butch revealed 'I've never killed a man before.' Repeated several times in the film, Sundance tells his comrade 'you just keep thinking, Butch that's what you're good at' and before Newman's revelation, we just saw Butch as the ideas man - it truly means that however many banks he robbed, he really didn't want to hurt anybody.

The ending reminded me of the ending of the Young Guns or the conclusion of Blackadder (that utterly unforgettable scene' where they finally went 'over the top').
We know their fate, even before they do - I almost let out a sigh of relief that we are spared the scene of them being butchered. Forever and always they were together, in everything they did. From the beginning of their journey we knew that this was the inevitable end to the tale.

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Do people really go through their whole life not finding their soul mate? I don't plan on getting married, it isn't that I'm against the concept, but I just don't think it is for me - but I do believe in soul mates. The not needing to get married to prove you love each other kind of relationship. The having kids thing to prove or solidify your marriage. You know - the kind of stuff you see on Jeremy Kyle.

But what if you don't find that person you are meant to be with? What if your chance meeting doesn't happen? What if there is only one opportunity to meet that person and you miss it?

or....what if you already met that person and you let them go?

everyone seems to have a 'type'  - people who like blondes, brunettes, muscular men or guys with tattoos, but doesn't that restrict your vision when it comes to meeting people? I don't have a 'type' - I don't have the advantage of being thin enough or pretty enough to just pick anyone - I get to know the guy, if we get along its all good. Start off as friends and see what happens.

I don't believe in love at first sight either - I believe a glance can stir up a thousand feelings or thoughts but not true love. I believe you can learn a lot about a person by just purely studying who they are - with no talking, no action. Just to sit beside someone and know your in the right place.

However, what if you are alone your whole life? Is that how my life will play out?

I never thought I would say this - but I find myself secretly searching for that prince. I may get a little distracted along the way, stray off the path, but I hope I will have the guts to find my way back again. Everyone deserves their prince charming.....right?

At the end of the day the prince is just the prince - but he will always be different.

Any thoughts?

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First foreign film watched?
La Haine.

Your first film crush?
oooo.....Judd Nelson (Breakfast Club, St Elmo's Fire) or Matt Dillon (Rumble Fish).

Your favourite movie icon?
Joan Fontaine.

Favourite director?
Sergio Leone.

Favourite actor?
Sean Penn.

Favourite actress?
Julie Walters.

The film that had the most impact on you?
Rebel Without A Cause, obviously.

Film you remember so well you can speak line for line?
The Wild One.

Best 'made for TV' film?
Duel.

Film that truly scared you?
The Evil Dead.

Film that made you cry?
E.T. - who didn't cry at that?

Film that you laughed most at?
The Princess Bride....hahaha just thinking about it makes me laugh.

Film that you can dance to/has best soundtrack?
Footloose. Forever and always haha.

Favourite line from a movie?
'It's alright Andy, it's just bolognaise!' (Hot Fuzz).

Best movie kiss?
A Walk to Remember - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mawLx_uaus&feature=related

or..... Jeux d'enfants - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXQ1m-p9go4

The film that you wished you were in?
Streetcar Named Desire, any of the Indiana Jones films (except the new one) or American Graffiti.

Film you've seen the most?
Back to the Future.

Worst film ever seen?
Waterworld. Oh dear...

Favourite film of all time?
Rebel Without A Cause or Star Wars: A New Hope.

The film that most sums up your life?
Amelie, or Groundhog Day. Requiem for a Dream - as an outsider looking on.

Anyone got any similar answers? Anyone disagree? Answers on a postcard please.....

xx

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I better explain - Blue, my Old English Sheepdog, aka Bluey Dog, is eight today.

I know people can get a bit mushy of their pets, but I love Blue. I don't ever plan on having kids, I'm not really that way inclined, so Blue is there as kind of a companion. He is someone to talk to, a friendly face and is really cuddly. I got him a little cake and a scarf haha, he looks well trendy.

Anybody out there who loves their pets, good for you. They are invaluable in our lives.

Happy Birthday Blue.

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.....just cried?

unbelievably, I answered yes for just today. Not a year, not a month - I went through all that in one day.

Answers on a postcard please

xoxo

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I’m not going to provide a summary here, because most of the storyline will be told within the analysis, and, well, to be honest, if you haven’t seen it…….why?!?!?

I’ve got to begin, however, with a little piece on John Hughes – like the Creator, but with teenagers in high school in the 80s. Where would our lives be without Weird Science, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, Ferries Bueller’s Day Off, Some Kind of Wonderful and, of course, my favourite, The Breakfast Club. Hughes made this highly criticised genre of teen romance and comedy a triumph – and it is has stuck ever since.
    Briefly, five teenagers, who attend Shermer High School, Illinois in 1984, are forced to do a Saturday detention. They are of the usual respective stereotypes in a school situation, but they soon realise their stereotypes aren’t what define them. They pass time fighting, telling stories, dancing, arguing and smoking marijuana. Hughes made a simple situation, as detention, which everyone can relate to, a focus point for forcing the audience to live through their own memories as those characters. Through stereotypes, Hughes reached out to a wider audience, each of us could see ourselves as one of the characters. From personal experience, or just good observation, Hughes realised that, at the time, teenagers were living in a society where the generation gap was decreasing but more and more of them spent less time with their parents, as they were too busy working. The teenagers in the film are so different, but all have the same teenage qualities for the time – unsatisfying home life, a disconnection with one or both of the parents, not wanting to go to school and finally, desperate to fit in/be cool.
      Once the teenagers are seated in the library, Principal Vernon, sets them their challenge for the day – to each write a letter, detailing who they think they are. The audience can immediately see that Vernon has very preconceived judgements of the students, as do we. We aren’t told by Hughes which stereotypes fit which person, but he doesn’t need to, it is blatantly obvious. The letter read by Brian at the beginning of the film details which cliques these teenagers come from – there is the Brain (Brian), the Princess (Claire), the Athlete (Andy), the Basket Case (Allison) and the Criminal (Bender).
      However, lets begin with Principal Vernon, as the supporting characters do get overlooked in this film occasionally. Vernon comes across as this very hard nosed, no nonsense, voice of authority. He always appears angry, perhaps because he has to spend his Saturday baby-sitting teenagers in detention. Immediately, his arguments with Bender give an insight to the audience that both of them have been in this situation before. To begin with, Bender is the character with the most to say – his constant comebacks forces further detentions from Vernon. However, his outbursts in front of the principal only come across as a need to impress the others.
     When the teenagers are finally left alone for the majority of the film their antics reveal their true selves, along with a little of their background history. Bender is the spark for most of the events throughout the film. His instant dislike of Andy can only be seen as envy, but Andrew’s life isn’t as great as it seems. Andy and Claire clearly know each other before this detention, from school, as they are both used to the better end of social life at Shermer. Clearly, neither of them are used to being in trouble like Bender and I believe that is where some of the conflict lies – they just want to get through detention and go back to their lives. However, their attitude at the beginning of the film is of stark contrast to their opinion at the end.
     We see Brian as the peacekeeper throughout the whole film, especially between Bender and Andrew and Bender and Vernon. The viewer realises that this is what Brian must do at home – always trying to be the best, not for himself, but for his parents – to keep them happy. From the short scene when his mother drops him off in the car at the beginning of the film, it is clear Brian is under huge pressure to succeed academically.
      Home life is the big talking point throughout the film. It is humorous to see Bender taunting Brian as being a parent’s ‘wet dream’ – thinking that everyone could only hope for a child as hardworking as Brian. To be honest, Bender is the one that does kick off most of the conversations about peoples’ parents – making the audience think that it is his way to talk about his own life at home – if he asks about the others’ parents then they will then ask about his.
      Through another argument with Andrew it is revealed that Bender is clearly a victim of child abuse (he reveals a cigarette burn on his forearm), which forces sympathy not only from the characters around him but the viewer also. We finally see the reason why John Bender is the way he is – it is pure rebellion, anarchy is what he is used to so therefore he thrives on it, used to the hustle and bustle, while stirring up trouble.
      As time passes we see relationships form – especially when Vernon declares a break and chooses Allison and Andrew to go get refreshments for them. Allison also has this no nonsense attitude and when Andrew tries to lie to her about the real reason why he is in detention she sees right through him. From then on, they are both more open with each other – their relationship is cute, he sees past her big parka and her hiding behind her mass of hair and admires her. She seems to get him – she gets that Andy does anything that everybody asks of him, he just can’t seem to stand up and say no.
     Claire and Bender’s relationship was fiery from the beginning. She despises him, purely through lack of knowledge or experience, but her romance with Bender is inevitable. He teases her about her virginity but seems shocked by the fact that she is impressed about Brian’s honesty about being a virgin also. We do question Claire’s reason for rebellion in kissing Bender at the end of the film – she lives in a home where each parent uses her to get back at the other – taking Bender home as a potential boyfriend would perhaps be the kick that both parents need for Claire to gain a reaction. It is a shock to the system when Bender tells her exactly what he thinks – she is so used to her friends sheltering her and telling her what she wants to hear. That is the Princess in her.
     The most interesting and in-depth part of the film is when they all sit down and finally open up to one another. Allison, my favourite character, reveals that the reason that she is in detention is that she really hasn’t got anything else better to do. We realise that her life is summed up by this statement – her family/home life must be really miserable and she may be a loner or have little friends. Claire doesn’t really get along with her as Allison’s compulsive lying manipulates Claire into revealing the truth about her life. She does thrive on peoples’ reactions and that is why we see her watching people more, observing, taking in how people act.
Brian and Allison are very similar, compared to the others – as in that they both are familiar with loneliness and being seen as the outsider. Brian’s reason for detention is also made clear in this scene – he had bought a flare gun to school, with suicidal intent – why? Because he got an F. It is that much pressure he feels he is under.
        Andrew is also clearly under pressure from his family, particularly his father. From the outset we see his father’s influence on Andy’s life – he is heavily pushed by his father to succeed – so much so that Andrew reveals that he wishes his bad knee would just give way altogether so that his dad would leave him alone. Each on the verge of tears, we can’t help but feel sorry for them.
       It is amazing to see how the course of detention changes them – even though Bender harasses the others through most of the film, the others do stick up for him in certain moments in the film, especially when Vernon is out for John’s blood. I think Principal Vernon is the common enemy – they see him as a reflection of one of their parents – not really understanding them or interacting with them like human beings. This change is portrayed through the letters that Brian wrote – the audience will notice that there are two letters – one at the beginning of the film and one at the end. The letters are the basis for the changes throughout the day.
       I think the thing that I found the most refreshing about the film was it’s simplicity – it doesn’t need the numerous locations, all the different clothes, props and unneeded characters that we see in most modern trashy teen romance films. I loved Judd Nelson – his witty comebacks, nonconformist attitude and honesty, along with a family background I couldn’t help feeling sorry for. Most of all I loved Allison (the freak) – she made me laugh at times when I felt that I shouldn’t be laughing. She didn’t even need to speak to be humorous. He romance with Estevez is cute, more so than Ringwald and Nelson’s. Her transformation bought her to the limelight, but it was great to see Andy’s admiration of her before her makeover, making the audience question why Hughes included that at all. I first watched it as a young teenage girl and it somehow confirms our faith in the opposite sex – Estevez proved that that are guys out there that do love girls for who they are, not necessarily how they look.
      Each character feels, in their own way, that they are different, alienated within society. In their own lives they have been abused, ignored, neglected or bullied. This film still resonates today – aimed directly at the kids. The movies proves that teenagers do spend so much time fighting something/someone they don’t know – hating and disliking people that they have never spoken to. It also provides a message to the adults – spoken mainly through the thoroughly wise character of Carl the janitor – kids remember who step on them, humiliate them in their course of growing up. The appreciate the people who help them but never truly forget the people that made their lives hell. This is echoed by the David Bowie quote at the beginning of the film.
     The Breakfast Club ends as it began, blasting out Simple Minds’ ‘Don’t You Forget About Me’ but instead of this being a message to the parents, warning them not to forget or neglect their children, it is a message to each other. Detention ending means the ending of the life they possibly want to lead – in essence they are going back to reality, where they don’t talk to each other and stick to their cliques. The audience is left to wonder whether they will be friends the next day. For me, I like to think that perhaps they do change the way things are at their school – that they make the difference.
     Thank you John Hughes – thank you for documenting virtually every teenagers life on screen.

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The beginning of the film is the keystone for setting the basis for the characters for the rest of the film. In a short space of time, we meet each integral character and gain an insight into their personality and life. An icon forms on screen, James Dean stumbling blindly on to a new path in his life. Drunk, he lies like a child on the ground befriending a toy monkey, which he subsequently covers up so it doesn’t become cold (the beginnings of a surrogate father, perhaps?) This is repeated throughout the film as the role of the father figure skips from character to character – Jim providing his jacket to a friend, on more than one occasion, and Jim’s own father providing his to his son at the conclusion of the film. 
            Back to the police station, where major characters light up our screen. Take Judy – her appearance forces instant attention. There is some instant attraction that we don’t have with any other character (in that scene). She has this presence – we can’t help but sit up and take notice. There is this sense of rebellion about her, an inevitable connotation with the colour red, but when faced with authority she seems to crumble. All the barriers come down and we just see this young girl who just wants to be loved by her Dad. Daddy’s little girl isn’t little anymore, yet resorts to walking the streets to get attention.
The director cleverly manages to portray an inkling of the relationship between the members of Jim’s family. Jim’s Father pounds out advice, trying to protect his son from society’s corruption, but only hinders him in forming any solid relations with people his own age. His Father is constantly over-ruled by his dominant, controlling wife – a person always trying to gain that vital last word in the argument – however, that goes to his Grandmother. The Grandmother constantly plays one parent against the other, trying to come out as the good guy in all of this.  Jim just wants to see his Father stand up against his mother but his Father lacks the courage.
            This carries on to the next scene, Jim’s first day at his new school. The traditional American picture of the family all sitting round the breakfast table, before Father goes off to work, children go to school and the Mother left to be the good housewife that she is. Here, we find another battle for dominance – Jim’s Mother expressing that she made Jim’s favourite lunch, his Grandmother piping up about how she made the cake. This battle seems to cease as Jim’s nerves are obvious, before he even states the fact himself. However, you find yourself questioning how long they may stay in this town – for the reasons they have moved around so much start to unfold. His father once again provides his own advice as Jim walks out the door, basically telling him to choose his friends carefully – another clever script ploy that lets us into the family’s, and Jim’s past in particular. Not liking his Father’s input Jim storms away and begins his fast-paced, volatile relationship with Judy.
            Our introduction to the ‘Kids’ is no real surprise – by the way Judy walks and talks on that first day meeting Jim just emits coolness. Or arrogance. It can be easily mistaken. You expect her to be the total opposite to Jim – who in a busy, loud family seems very lonely. It is only as the film plays out that we see that Judy is exactly the same as Jim – both of them are trying to find where they fit in, in the grand scheme of things, looking for a father figure they can idolise and a sense of being wanted by someone.
            Judy’s home life is just as unsatisfying as Jim’s – we see in the police station her obsession with image – her use of lipstick and compact, an item that has strong connotations with her father. She seems to need her father’s attention and wearing lipstick is a way of fulfilling that need. However, it is his disgust of her wearing it that causes Judy to rebel.
           Now beginning his first day of school, Jim encounters another key character that will change his life – Buzz. The audience will instantly see Buzz and his gang’s dislike of Jim, which, with further thought, can only be seen as envy. Jim expresses a very nonconformist attitude – he doesn’t portray a desire to join their gang or indeed even look up to them – it is they, in fact, that are in awe of him. Where as Jim is seemingly living in the real world, Buzz and his gang look as if they have stepped out of a book, or even a comic book (“you’ve been reading too many comic books” is stated by Jim as Buzz punctures his tyre on the class field trip). From the beginning of the film we realise Jim’s detest for the word ‘chicken’ – he tells Officer Ray of his troubles at home, about his father being constantly ‘pecked’ and nagged at by his mother – “I never want to be like him” he tells Ray. Therefore, we realise that the violent reaction Jim has to the word ‘chicken’ stems from his parents – to call him a chicken is to basically tell him that he has kind of morphed into his father – he is becoming the man he doesn’t want to be. It is this simple name calling that causes Jim and Buzz to get into the knife duel.
           The duel means more than what we see on the screen. To the gang it is fun, a taunt, a game. However, to Buzz it is almost an initiation – to test Jim, perhaps. To Jim, it is a chance to change fate – to step up, have the courage and not crumble like his father. This is the same when the ‘chickie run’ takes place. It is in both of these situations we realise why Buzz is perhaps the leader of the gang – it his honesty that puts him above the rest, he has no surprises for him in life. “He’s cute, but he’s real tough too” he honestly states. However, Jim and Buzz cannot just kiss and make up – they have to do something macho to express their affection for each other. The ‘chickie run’ is a perfect way to do this – unfortunately, Buzz’s death means that any possibility of a future friendship or alliance is ruined. Buzz and Plato can only exist in a world that couldn’t possibly be real. If they survived life wouldn’t evolve, I don’t think – it would be this never-ending cycle, where nobody matures.
          Following Buzz’s demise, we see Judy and Plato idolise Jim – moulding him into a role of an ideal father figure. We see Jim desperately trying to be nothing like his father. However, Plato creates a character in his head, like from a book. It is through Jim that the audience see Plato transform – Jim listens to him and stands up to the challenge, unlike Plato’s father whom he, and we, never see.
        The observatory plays a big part in the film – it is where Jim and Plato’s close relationship truly begins. Where Plato and Jim talk about the end of the world eerily predicts a sombre future – ‘do you think the end of the world will come at night?’ Plato asks – Jim replies ‘No, dawn’ which ultimately proves true for Plato. The deep admiration for Jim stems from a relationship off screen, where Mineo admitted he was attracted to Dean, and that reflected on the set.
       Plato thinks that the end of the world will come at night – this forces us to question his decision for only emerging from the observatory if all the lights would be out. In the dark, people can’t focus on faces, features, emotions or reactions.
       It is the end scene where all the issues the teens face culminate and result in Plato’s death. Chased into the observatory, Plato sulks in the dark, feeling that Jim ran out on him back at the old house they hanged out at. Here, we get a real sense of Plato’s personality – sulking is his way of proving how much he cares – children sulk to prove love. It is Jim’s maturity and, acting like he feels a father would in this situation, that coaxes Plato to come out.
       It is Plato’s death that kick starts a new path in Jim and Judy’s life – not in the imaginary, fictional-like world we saw them in before, but the adult world that they were so desperately searching for.  The audience see a repeat of the coat being provided by Jim, as he covers Plato’s body – an action not only of affection, but almost a symbolic stance of ‘yes, I am an adult now, I’m entering a world that is more meaningful.’ This then reflects to Jim’s father, who then protects Jim with his jacket. Nicholas Ray’s simple actions in a film so full of issues, seem to show the audience the complexity of real life and what humans face – simple acts changing the way we interact and live.
       The whole film and the issues it covers are amazingly accurate for today’s times. For a film that was made in the fifties we see the beginnings of an almost downfall in teenage society – in basic terms we see gangs, knife crime, peer pressure and a constant fight against authority. We even see the dominant female – Jim’s Mother and perhaps Judy, to a certain extent. In a world where most fathers seem absent in a child’s life this film is as relevant as ever. Ray almost has a message for teens (perhaps a personal message for Dean) – don’t look back at what could have been. When adulthood occurs don’t move so fast to blame your parents for the way you live now or how you turned out (Dean’s parents dying, causing him to live the way he did).
      The ending, ends like most teenage films – with a resolution. All films will perhaps force us the question what will happen next, when the film has ended – but Rebel Without A Cause ties up most of the loose ends.

I truly love this film – it is very hard to pick my favourite film of all time, but this is one I can’t live without. The icon that is James Dean, the almost sheer ruggedness of his acting shows a passion for his craft. However, it is well known that Dean’s true flare came on the stage – it is only in photographs and rare footage that we see a glimpse of that. Anyone who saw it in the flesh will have been blown away. I am saddened that I never saw it in my lifetime. 
The film means so much to me.

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I miss writing a blog entry on a regular basis.
I miss telling total strangers about my life.
I miss reading and hearing about other peoples' tales.
I miss reflecting on past events.
I miss hearing peoples' opinions.

*Drum roll* so.....I'm back writing again.

I have missed this. I won't lie. Life is not great - I have a lot to be grateful for, don't get me wrong, a good job with people that I like, a roof over my head, a great father and a cute dog. But it has been two months since my mom passed away and I need her back. She was the link that kept everything together, on the level. I am very independent, but it doesn't mean I don't need a mom. Life isn't great - I'm working loads to pay off my uni debts and to get by, I have gained weight and look horrible and I don't have time to do stuff I really want to do.

I wake up. Got to work. Come home. Watch a film. Fall asleep watching the film. Every day is the same.

I think you will have gathered by now I love watching films - I hope to teach film studies one day. Therefore, instead of falling asleep when I get home from work I plan on getting back into writing about and analysing the films I am watching. I will upload a couple a week and get back to writing. I miss it.

Enough talking, I'm boring everyone. Hope you all are well out there.

xx

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I envy him in one respect - my time with her seems like a moment in time compared to how long my mother and father were together.

I knew the day would come eventually - I believe that is why I feel the way I do now. This is no shock. You just don't imagine at twenty years of age you would be organising your mother's funeral. I feel bad - there are people out there suffering way worse - living through issues and situations I couldn't possibly comprehend. I take my hat off to them.

I've been to church - it was part of my growing up. I have my beliefs - I've never felt alone, I've always had somewhere to go when I was scared or needed some peace.

The times in my life that I say the word 'I' is unbelievable. How selfish am I? Apologies.

When tomorrow comes there will be closure. For me anyway. Then I can clear away the bad memories and celebrate my Mom's life. Her stuff needs to be sorted - something I won't allow my father to do alone. It is just too hard.

Look at me ramble on. Anyone going through something similar - I wish you well. You aren't alone.

xx

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It was on Christmas Day last year that we were sitting in a ward at the Manor Hospital, Walsall and had to listen to a doctor tell us Mom had cancer and that it was incurable. But she was there, living and breathing - and that was the main thing.

She is no longer with us. I miss her so much. She is a much better place now though.

Her presents are sitting on her bedside table, wrapped, and will remain there. Is that weird?

have a nice Christmas people xx

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One simple question - can a woman pull off a Harrington jacket? They only make them for men, but could a woman get away with wearing one?

Answers on a postcard, please.

Well, as a comment back

xx

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So.....there I was traipsing around with my brother trying not to get in the way of people that were actually running - yes running - people that actually looked like they were on Supermarket Sweep - on some kind of mission to get everything they need in the space of ten minutes. Pity no Dale Winton ay.....

All the shops have got huge sales on aswell - the one time I haven't got no bloody money either. I like to shop, don't get me wrong - but Xmas shopping is a whole different task - I like shopping at my own pace, browsing, taking my time to decide what to buy. I take so long to decide. And that is why I don't do Christmas shopping.

But Xmas is shite anyways.........

So.......to end on that really pleasant note......

have a nice Christmas everybody - going to listen to a little Cliff

x

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so....I'm just sitting here. Thinking. Hoping to turn back time.

xxx

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My mom had cancer. She fought for a year, but she lost the fight. I was her carer - I'm twenty years of age and I had to do everything for my mother. I had to sit and feed her, give her tablets, tell her that everything would be ok - lie to her. But I never let her see me cry.

She passed away a week ago. She is a much better place now. A place where she will not suffer like she did.

I am calm. I can talk about it. I loved her. She was beautiful.

I'm ready to talk.

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How is everyone? Hope your all ok cos I'd be a meanie if I wish that - see how nice I am? hahaha........

I'm going to provide some vital stats to give a quick overview of how my life is going:
1) Where I am: Home.
2) What I am watching: No Country For Old Men.
3) Eating: Milky Way Magic Stars (yum).
4) Last alcoholic drink consumed: Jack Daniels (of course). On Thursday night. Oh what a night....
5) Mood: Calm.
6) Looking forward to: Moving the clocks back - an hour extra in bed. What more could you want?

That's it folks. Have fun.

xxx

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xxx

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xxx

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I’ve got a lot to say….I just don’t want to talk about it. When I’m ready I will. I promise.

xxx

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Robyn and I went out last night. We drank a lot. When I can remember what actually happened I will let you know.

xxx

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Hasn’t Bristol changed?!? My word, I travelled in today to see if there were any jobs going and to shop (because how can you go to Bristol and not shop, to be honest) and the whole place was amazing – huge office buildings emerging out of nowhere and completely new shopping centres forming an intricate maze through the city centre. The amount of jobs being created will greatly benefit the city, hence why I decided to travel into Bristol today to job hunt. The travelling won’t be ideal but I need a back up plan for when I don’t get a job in Bath. Which will never happen – I don’t think I will get a job in Bath. How optimistic am I? Ahh…well.
Sleep time.

xxx

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Moving into a new house is always a palaver but how hard is it to set up your landline, Internet and TV!!!! We (me, Robyn and Jess) decided, after a long discussion that Tiscali was the company we wanted to go with. However, when you phone them and ask them questions it is like Mastermind! They just don’t listen. We had also phone Sky, but you spent about fifteen minutes just listening to some monotone women asking you to press a series of numbers. Argh! Don’t you just hate that? So now we are with Tiscali – we will soon be connected to world again once more!
I haven’t really done much today, what a surprise. Tomorrow I travel to Bristol to shop, and shopping is something I excel in.

Have fun.
xxx

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