Tomorrow is the day of my Mother's funeral.
I'm unsure of what my feelings are - I think it is a mixture of being nervous, anxious and scared. What I do know is that I don't think I'm sad anymore. My mom is in a better place, not suffering or in pain. Don't get me wrong, I miss my mom more than anything else in the world - but she suffered so badly. She is in paradise now, looking down on us. I am sad when I look at my Dad - I never realised how much they loved each other till this happened. He just sits there staring into space. Thinking.

I envy him in one respect - my time with her seems like a moment in time compared to how long my mother and father were together.

I knew the day would come eventually - I believe that is why I feel the way I do now. This is no shock. You just don't imagine at twenty years of age you would be organising your mother's funeral. I feel bad - there are people out there suffering way worse - living through issues and situations I couldn't possibly comprehend. I take my hat off to them.

I've been to church - it was part of my growing up. I have my beliefs - I've never felt alone, I've always had somewhere to go when I was scared or needed some peace.

The times in my life that I say the word 'I' is unbelievable. How selfish am I? Apologies.

When tomorrow comes there will be closure. For me anyway. Then I can clear away the bad memories and celebrate my Mom's life. Her stuff needs to be sorted - something I won't allow my father to do alone. It is just too hard.

Look at me ramble on. Anyone going through something similar - I wish you well. You aren't alone.

xx